4 my 3

Everybody’s got a “new year, new this, cut that/them” post, a top nine photo share, or they’re trashing 2018, thanking God, low-key complaining, self-promoting, etc. Ya know, just engaging in our usual not-present, less mindful behavior – hoping a new date will make us more grateful, humble, successful, super human. Some are grounding, although most are in superficial flight. I’ve been guilty of this too, so this post is an attempt to slow me down reflectively.

What’s on my mind as we prepare to step into 2019, what’s been on my mind as I work towards gentleness with myself in this year’s impending exit, is the universe’s gift of my beautiful wife Becca. 10 years we been in this thang, half of that happily married, cohabited since the first 5 months, and she has known the inside/out of my crazy and loved me fiercely. Loved me exceptionally. Loved me unconditionally despite my rant a few months prior about the limits of love as I contemplated friendships and chosen family. And she’s made me better. My wife has been the shit – loving herself, growing up to her best self and requiring me to respond in kind. Even though I’m usually more serious and emotionally expressive than her (crying at commercials and shit and musing about damn near everything), I’ve always said that she’s more mature than me in the areas that count because she doesn’t apologize for who she is, has a greater capacity for acceptance and letting things go, and doesn’t succumb to trivialities like possessiveness. To think that someone I met not-so-randomly (clearly) in 2001 would later become my best and most attentive friend, confidante and lover brings light to my eyes, ease to my chest. I am so blessed.

We go through it of course, cuz I’m A LOT, and like people in committed relationships candidly reference, “it’s work”. Cliché in its delivery, honest at its core. It’s just hilarious at times, these notions we have as individuals in partnerships, and the nonsense we set ourselves up for; the drama we drudge up. Me and Bec’s close people know we argue often about the faintest idiosyncrasies. Thankfully, we’re thoroughly honest about our limits, fears, cycles, needs and expectations and that enables us to repair intentionally and quickly. We show up no matter the challenge we create for one another. That’s what we require as a minimum: being in it. And we do it in community with real accountability.

I’ve struggled entirely for over a year, still in my narrative and hurt and fighting my demons, all up in my trauma and my head. Even when I do my worst to push her away, my wife holds me close and assures me she’s here for the entire ride. She never lets me get away with self deprecation and slow suicide, at the same time making space for me to feel it all, whether I can tolerate my mirror moments or hide in defeat.

So yeah, it’s a brief write on this NYE, but I’m just hella touched by her raw, faithful and exploratory commitment to me, to us. And her assurance that I got her. That helps me step into each moment a bit easier, breathing. Marriage ain’t for everybody and it’s full of shit systemically, but it’s for us as an extension of our greater connection and I’m glad she chose me. Love you Bec.