All that and a bag of chips

My sista-girl referred to me as a creator a few weeks ago. She did this in a mixed crowd of mostly allies, though sprinkled with a few adversaries, questionables, and indifferent players. Did it while this crew of mixed history doted on me with their fond memories of our times together and well wishes as I ended a very significant chapter – one that’s taken up 1/4 of my human existence – in my young 36 years. I smirked as I first heard it and looked down, having to eventually look up and back at her to make sure I heard her right. “Yep, that’s what she said”, I thought. “Creator”. Within less than two weeks of that, my favorite mentoring couple, people who’ve known me since I was a cocky teen, assured me that the world is mine and gassed me all the way up, meaning every word. They built me up like that for hours. And I believed and still believe them. One of them specifically instructed me to write about what I want to accomplish without any limits. To dream big. I didn’t know it then, but I would become anxious and unsettled within days of that cheerleading. Like, “am I ready for all that”? Imposter syndrome is a trip. The shakiness eventually dissipated through stillness, tears, time, and meditation, but the unsteadiness of the feeling is all too familiar. How long does it take you to remember who you are? Actually, why do you even forget?

As much as I’ve had to fight for where I am and what I have, I’ve been blessed in other ways. One area that has been glorious is through my authentic and deep connection with others. Thankfully, many people love me and show me all the time, even without my asking. Even when I’m a butt and undeserving. Yet, loneliness would have me believe otherwise. My cv is pretty damn flyy, but self-doubt has me comparing it to the corporate baller or distinguished veteran in their field, and the next one, and the one after that. I have the gift of captivating crowds whenever I speak publicly, however, my inner hater turns to the public intellectual or talking head who’s got 3 million followers online and a book or two on the bestseller’s list. Well Meeks, write the damn book already! Like some or many of you, I struggle with insecurity and half-glass-fullness too often. Struggling with the “shoulds” instead of being proud of and grateful for the “dids”. Fam, and I’m telling myself this as I write, please drop the shoulds and the comparisons.

So while having a mini panic attack in this scary new phase of my life, after being pumped up and loved on by my people, I realized something, or perhaps I remembered it in my spirit: I’m the biggest threat to my success, joy and sanity. That revelation, if I can even call it that, calmed me all the way down. Perspective is something else! So long as I believe that I can’t, then I won’t. When I follow a thorough recommendation or accolade from my squad with a “but”, or I craft 3-8 scenarios of pessimistic “what ifs”, I’ve already negated my prospects and invited ambiguity and mediocrity into my plans. Or just plain ol’ failure. Cuz let’s be real, for some of us failure is a safe place. If we fail or fear we will, then everyone’s expectations, including our own, can remain low or nonexistent. And then we don’t have to accomplish much of anything or set goals because no one’s depending on us. Why leave a comfort zone, even one that’s plateaued, dilapidated and claustrophobic for a scary, spacious unknown, with guaranteed elevation, right? Sike.

It’s time to gaze upon our reflections, not in some narcissistic manner or with false pretenses, but with full clarity, acceptance and openness and truly see ourselves, the way countless others have seen us, for what and who we are: magic. Capable. Extraordinary. Formidable. Purposeful. Beautiful. Brilliant. Whole. Stellar! I know it’s scary to be your own hype-man, especially when we’re taught a false humility that diminishes us, but shimmy that ass and scream into the mic already because the world is yours! Sure, missteps and rough spots are a given, but we’ve more than made it this far and done pretty damn well, and that’s to be celebrated and followed up with more intentions. When we struggle and hit hard times it’s easy to forget our worth and greatness. I have. I’ve compared myself to others who seem to have it all together or who never seem to fail. Real talk, some of those folks are scoping at you and me thinking the same thing. We’re human and our egos allow for this occasional slump and self-deprecation, particularly when we determine our worth by the externals we accumulate or forget that our sheer presence is all we need. At its best though, ego enables our greatness, even in the crummiest of episodes. So as my friend clearly stated, I am a creator. Through energy, dreams, goal setting, partnership and thorough execution, I created the good life I lead. And if I’m not mindful, I can surely create its antithesis. So I’ll ask again, how long does it take you to remember who you are?

Like me, let your people remind you of your dopeness from time to time. And believe them. We need that boost as it’s one way we’re able to witness the reflections of our truest selves and achievements. However, nothing is more satisfying or comforting than knowing it for yourself. Tonight, I am honored to live in this truth and remember that the world is mine.