Author: amini4

It’s said that some relationships are just for seasons. Yeah, yeah. They all are because our lives are pretty much seasonal, and that’s not bad; although it can be a shock when the time to end or change a relationship seems to appear drastically before us. Well, I’m ending some relationships and/or the the way I show up in them and it hurts incredibly. My tolerance and limits, for better or worse, are more stark and distinct and I know it’s because I’m more aware of what’s controlling, abusive, selfish, evasive, elusive, inconsistent and anything else that doesn’t intentionally make space for me. Or worse, tries to harm me. It could just be that my emotional tank is full or not full enough. It definitely is the childhood of forced relationships and abuses and my adult fatigue as a survivor and social justice warrior.

But I get it really wrong sometimes.

After all, I helped cultivate some of these relationships by agreeing to the range of treatment in them, in both directions, and letting that support my lack of self esteem or my inflated ego depending on what operated at the time. And now that I’m evolving to my higher self, I’m frustrated at the stagnancy or regression of some of the people I love. Or I’m mad that these folks have their own limits and/or fight me to avoid themselves. Real talk, I’m just over some of them. And I’m ok with that.

But other supportive and incredible relationships are just getting caught in the crossfire. And those I gotta do right by.

A healthy relationship isn’t without its issues. We’re human. My problem is that I’m the same me even with the growth spurts and deeper awareness. The foundation and template the same. Same past and oftentimes the same self-management or lack thereof. And I’m fucking up good things with good people. What’s worse is I doubt my ability to be different, healthy or salvageable. The human conundrum of wanting to do better and also wanting nothing to change. Or feeling inept to make moves. So then I hurt.

While some relationships gotta go, need to be shelved a while, or truncated slightly, others need nourishment and intention, follow through and dedication. But I’m in my hurt and rut and need help. My anger is re-consuming me and I’m afraid it’ll destroy all that’s around me; the good ones. Hell, the greats.

So I’m meditating and praying, crying and getting quiet. And asking for help. Cuz I need it to sort through it all or to do nothing at all except just work on my shit.

While some relationships have reached their final season, others are just starting to bloom or bear fruit. And I’ve got a lot of healthy, beautiful connections, so I just want to choose wisely, which means choosing my best damn Meeka.

Sometimes your floor is their ceiling or vice versa. Try to get on the same level where possible. That’s love.

Peace out when they adamantly show you they don’t intend on honoring your needs.

You define you. That is all.

Accept yourself. Trust yourself. Trust the universe. Discern lovingly.

These are my reminders today as I mindfully practice welcoming of my life, connections, intellect and intuition. God is with me and you. God is me and you. So there doesn’t have to be worry or strain. It’ll all work out. It already has. We write our beginnings, middles and ends. The universe and Creator handles the rest.

Instead of frenzy and doubt, try on acceptance and curiosity. Openness. Humility. All things change, as do we. My question in a brief meditation this morning was “How can I help?”. Part of the answer was to “accept help and remember”. Acknowledge and embrace your power. Abiding this also means engaging fully, even with those not perceived as allies or friends. We live wholly only through mutuality, so I’m heeding the affirmation to trust my gut and embrace the help around me. It begins with remembering I’m part of a magnificent legacy and only as strong as my unit. So I help myself and others by welcoming these lesson linkages, even the ones that intend to harm, or that ones who can’t help it. I’m no pacifist, but I can offer peace. No punk, but I can war less. I gotta quiet the inner battles first. Don’t you?

So love on yourself and try to be less consumed with things out of your control as well as the wonderful stuff you get to mold. It’s all temporary anyway. Live this short life with intention and openness. Trust yourself to be able to.

What am I to make of all these deaths except that it’s always a time to live?

Inspired by Derek Walcott:

Let’s look in the mirror. That’s who we’ve been waiting for. Striving towards. Running from. Living and dying for. Say “hi”. We’ve been here the whole time. Blow kisses. Say “thank you”. Bow. Our mirrors have “record” and “reset” buttons; all in our grasps. We built who we’re staring at and we have this moment to decide what’s now for us. So…be.

I don’t need to feel abandoned because I’m right here.

Observe and understand their limits. And remember you have your own. They’re called “standards”.

What control? Just be. God and the universe got us. Anxiety ceases, insight deepens, and peace returns when I remember that I control nothing. And that that’s ok. Illusory control doesn’t stop being true because of my resistance and strong will. Fact: I destroy things when I hold them too tightly, or when I war them away; a preemptive oddity because I fear their neglect or impermanence. I’m remembering to acknowledge the stillness and rumblings and just say “oh” to the places that hurt. My struggle is my karma and also it just is. My blessings too.

Asé