Fall

It’s said that some relationships are just for seasons. Yeah, yeah. They all are because our lives are pretty much seasonal, and that’s not bad; although it can be a shock when the time to end or change a relationship seems to appear drastically before us. Well, I’m ending some relationships and/or the the way I show up in them and it hurts incredibly. My tolerance and limits, for better or worse, are more stark and distinct and I know it’s because I’m more aware of what’s controlling, abusive, selfish, evasive, elusive, inconsistent and anything else that doesn’t intentionally make space for me. Or worse, tries to harm me. It could just be that my emotional tank is full or not full enough. It definitely is the childhood of forced relationships and abuses and my adult fatigue as a survivor and social justice warrior.

But I get it really wrong sometimes.

After all, I helped cultivate some of these relationships by agreeing to the range of treatment in them, in both directions, and letting that support my lack of self esteem or my inflated ego depending on what operated at the time. And now that I’m evolving to my higher self, I’m frustrated at the stagnancy or regression of some of the people I love. Or I’m mad that these folks have their own limits and/or fight me to avoid themselves. Real talk, I’m just over some of them. And I’m ok with that.

But other supportive and incredible relationships are just getting caught in the crossfire. And those I gotta do right by.

A healthy relationship isn’t without its issues. We’re human. My problem is that I’m the same me even with the growth spurts and deeper awareness. The foundation and template the same. Same past and oftentimes the same self-management or lack thereof. And I’m fucking up good things with good people. What’s worse is I doubt my ability to be different, healthy or salvageable. The human conundrum of wanting to do better and also wanting nothing to change. Or feeling inept to make moves. So then I hurt.

While some relationships gotta go, need to be shelved a while, or truncated slightly, others need nourishment and intention, follow through and dedication. But I’m in my hurt and rut and need help. My anger is re-consuming me and I’m afraid it’ll destroy all that’s around me; the good ones. Hell, the greats.

So I’m meditating and praying, crying and getting quiet. And asking for help. Cuz I need it to sort through it all or to do nothing at all except just work on my shit.

While some relationships have reached their final season, others are just starting to bloom or bear fruit. And I’ve got a lot of healthy, beautiful connections, so I just want to choose wisely, which means choosing my best damn Meeka.