It’s just…a lot.

Lately I’ve been overcome with grief, desires and regret. This paralysis can sneak up during this time of year, even if not consecutively, with all the forced commercialism, family time, religion and “new year, new me” proselytizing, but these emotions have persisted unusually strong and long. Because I know a good portion of myself I can generally point to the reasons as a way to make peace and changes. Like my standards: I tend to place loads of pressure on myself. To slow down, speed up, show up, fall back, go hard, be soft, speak up, be still, silent, etc. These high expectations to make myself better don’t actually motivate me. They only place my fears in overdrive and I get even more stuck, especially if I barely brush up against the mark. They also create unrealistic expectations for the people in my life; ones they can never fully meet and honestly shouldn’t, at least not for me. Then there’s the loneliness: misery connected to me missing the family I once had along with the one I’ve never known, figuratively and literally. I could expound on this, but that’s for another post. My chosen family often has their own blood connection and so no matter their efforts or mine, sometimes I’m just alone when I really don’t want to be. It’s sucky to feel out of touch when all you want is to be connected and remembered. There are also more constant reminders of how life is playing out like my weight, overall health and career choices. It’s like everything I could ever feel is on me and unrelenting and I can’t understand why. None of these things necessarily relate to one another or are causal either, and one on the upswing won’t just alleviate the other. Nevertheless, they’re beating me in the head and heart this season and I’ve just accepted that I have to admit I’m actually in a funk so I can find my way through it.

I no longer believe in New Year resolutions as I age and try to move in wisdom. Instead I aim to affirm and restore my life when I need it most, in my own time and when I’m in a place to keep my word to myself and push past my comforts and habits, even when the goal is unclear. Or when the goal is just to process and progress intentionally to fully be in this existence. So this NYE post is more of a conscious stream of humble honesty. It’s a statement of my now as much as I can muster since the pain I’m feeling is so connected to the past and future. I’m stating what is so I can just be.

Real talk, it sucks to feel like crap when life is generally good. It makes more sense when it’s shitty. But I’ve had to suspend even this self critique and not just whittle my needs, hurts or confusion down to 1st World problems or FOMO. After all, it’s a state of mind that crafts my reality, not just the reverse. So for today I will more self acceptance, patience and awareness. I want to experience and love the simple beauties, even the gloriousness of being alive to complain. I cry when it hurts and that’s happened often lately. I feel. I have gratitude for choices I’ve made and gifts I’ve been given because God has been good and people have too. I want another day to get it right, but I also accept the Now, where I get to choose at least how I’ll navigate the what ifs and reconcile the past. I don’t have the family, money and peace I want, but I have what I need. So I’m thankful for what has brought me to this place, even the hardest of things that are doing a number on me, the areas I control and ones I can’t and/or don’t want to. Even writing this is making it a little easier. I’m hurting, yet I’m also pleased to be able to share such discomfort because more than anything I want connection with myself, the universe and with you.

Today and whatever next moments I’m gifted are already on the mend. I’m here and it’s a beautiful mess.