She said, “I’m glad you’re here” when I told her I was losing it. Reveling in my dishevelment. Um, ok?
He said, “notice when you lose it” as I exited the serene state of retreat, after cracking open, wondering if I’d ever feel distress again.
Well, I lost it. And seem to continually grasp at drifting pieces of me, while mofos gettin’ slapped and scarred in my typhoon pattern. Not sure how much more I got to let slip. Or if I ever “had it” together. When no gains or replenishments appear to be in reach or sight, I keep losing these known paths and tools. Losing the only me I’ve had.
Book be talkin’ about, “engage your hope and fear til death”. Too many deaths. Enough already, son.
Yet, I believe all the messengers because I attracted them. And need the teachings most now. Or maybe they’re just my own reflections and I am finally seeing. Whatever…
How much more do I need to lose to encounter understanding of the unknown – the alleged place of true awareness and solace?
Song got me by crooning, “I’m coming back just to give you my love”. Reminders. I’m stubborn, affirmed now, too committed to stop the journey, this trek to something whole and broken beautifully.
Asé.