I must say, I miss the stars. At almost 9,000 feet above sea level they felt and appeared touchable shortly after the sun would leave us. They held timelessness. They held me, captivated me. I was transfixed. And the canyons, rushing streams, hummingbirds, endless chipmunks, deers both outside my window and along hilly, winding trails (Bambi and nem, y’all!), massive sweet-smelling ponderosas that predate this country’s awful genocide, woodpeckers, and even the flutter of odd birds whose names I didn’t know (because I’m just a city kid who likes anything that ain’t a pigeon) simply astonished me. There was so much green, copious amounts of trees and even some blue grass that I had never seen before that swayed with the breeze and held wildflowers and beautiful bees. It was wonderfully wild and lush in the mountains of New Mexico where I lived for a week with mostly dope people of color to meditate among the land and ancestors. I am so grateful.
It’s hilarious how when you’ve been on a silent retreat people expect you to talk all about it. Some only wanted to disprove its greatness, others just want to live vicariously through my experience and doubt its possibility for themselves. Thankfully some genuinely cared. I shared with a few and was overstimulated almost immediately, so shut that shit down and have been kinda hiding out minus having to return to work where at least I mostly just need to listen. Talk about relieved and paced! Y’all know I command many words on the regular and usually unnecessarily given how I like to process out loud, but I’ve wanted to say to everyone, “just go see for yourself or come with me next time” or something like that. And so I’ve avoided certain folks’ energy or said “no” with ease, being very deliberate about where my time and spirit abide.
Some gems have emerged during my time in the mountains and I have received them with gentleness. For starters, my long lost nomadic sister who struggles cognitively called me a few days ago, completely safe, lucid and cheerful. She’s been MIA for over a decade that even my wife and partner of 11 years hasn’t met her. Can you imagine the expansion of my heart and mind when I heard her voice and cracked jokes with her?! God is good! I also reunited last night with a beautiful childhood friend who went off the grid about 15 years ago and unexpectedly resurfaced at a mutual friend’s shindig. These are not coincidences y’all. Timing matters as does the readiness to receive. Despite having some recent career ambiguity, jitters and curiosities, I am mostly steady in my spirit and hella optimistic about waiting for what’s mine. And at the same time I’m not expectant. After poorly suppressing anxiety for years and playing it small, I’m calmer, bolder and more present. I’m confident and actually joyful. My smile isn’t masking fear for once. I’ve also cried as needed and said what’s true for me without punishing those who are closest and loyal. The abundance I feel from being freer with my heart brings a smile to my face even now. I found myself sending metta (loving kindness) to those that have repeatedly conspired against me and/or harmed me and those that I love. When someone recently disrespected me and a group of sistas in an unprovoked egoic, accusatory rant, instead of reacting I took deep breaths and pauses before responding and spoke very little when I did. I also saw my worst, scared self in her foolish tirade and extended agape, disallowing the shame she wore as armor to attach to me. Do you understand how I, a notorious conditioned fighter didn’t whip this person’s ass?! Listen kid, I’ve been in a few situations since returning where defensiveness could’ve been my default retort and instead I redirected the flow and gave grace. I’m grateful for the teachable moments. And I’ve forgiven myself for the times I didn’t heed others like it. Again, thank you Goddess and all the ancestors!
It brings me peace to share some of these blessings because I said “yes” to myself, remained faithful to the process and allowed the land and universe to bring me back to consciousness. These miracles are not lost on me as I find myself recharging in the stillness. Although life can be filled with awful suffering, it can also be quite sweet if we just let it be. I’m happy to remember my crown y’all and it’s not so heavy after all.